When an ex breaks up with you—he or she is done. Breakups naturally generate such powerful nauseating emotions that your dumper ex finds himself or herself in a huge emotional turmoil. Since your ex has made a selfish decision to break up with you, your ex also needs a strong motive to come back.
There is no such thing as accidental breakups as breakups happen for a reason. Something goes wrong in the relationship and the couple is forced to split to find the happiness they deserve. Getting back with an ex after spending years apart is possible, but your ex needs to first enjoy his or her life without you.
This means your ex needs to drink and party, make new friends, get or change a job, go on vacations without you and do the things a person without restrictions does. And once your ex has had enough fun and got his or her hopes up about dating again, your ex then needs to get in some sort of trouble that diminishes his or her optimism and evokes unpleasant despondent emotions. This is essentially the catalyst for getting back with an ex after a year or perhaps many years.
At least for the dumpers anyway. Your ex likely blames everybody but himself or herself for the separation. So until he or she suffers from some sort of a shock and gets a reality check the hard way, things will stay exactly as they are.
Not in the near future anyway. As a matter of fact, chances are close to 0. Your ex would really need to be out of luck for many weeks or months before he or she starts looking for a shoulder to lean on.
And once your ex gets a kick in the butt that he or she needs to gravitate toward you, your ex would then come crying back internally unfulfilled —expecting you to solve his or her problems. This would put a burden on the relationship until your ex heals completely. You can, however, influence your ex and make your ex regret breaking up with you the virtuous way.
Also, if you expect quick results, you may as well give up now. Changing the way a person sees you can take longer than it takes to travel from Earth to Mars. So do your best to avoid setting deadlines or you could set yourself up for disappointment. Do it out of self-protection. Before you roll up your sleeves and prepare for long-term ex-back plans, you are going to have to start following the notorious indefinite no contact rule.
You will need to study the rules of no contact in and out and discern why the power of no contact is so effective for you and your ex. Furthermore, you will also have to give up on trying to reason with your ex altogether and work on losing hope and moving on. Once you diligently draw attention to yourself, getting back with an ex years down the road will have become so much easier for you. The post-breakup time is the time when you become happy with just yourself or with someone else.
But for you to actually devalue your ex, time away from your ex is absolutely necessary. Getting back together with your ex years later could happen once the following conditions are met. And in case your ex never comes back, you will be completely okay with that. You will have improved yourself to become more self-aware and observant in the future with different partners. There is no better way to learn from your mistakes than to be forced to learn and improve. And this is exactly what makes breakups so effective when it comes to making long-lasting personal alterations.
Although people need roughly 66 days to change their belief and behavior, it can take much longer to make it a permanent part of you and avoid regression. From my observations, it often takes at least a few months of hard work to change and improve some of the most-deeprooted characteristics, such as:. This is one of the reasons why you should wait at least half a year or so before you consider getting back with an ex.It can take some dumpers months and others 20 or 30 years to reconcile.
Both dumpees and dumpers need time to themselves to get each other out of their systems. It will make your life a lot easier if you manage to get back together. Instead, they continue making the same mistakes as before and end up hating each other—which eventually leads to a permanent separation.
So before you attempt to reconnect with an ex, make sure that the reasons for separation are no longer present on your end. As for your ex, you will just know if your ex has done his or her part and fixed his or her shortcomings.
Only once you know that your ex has indeed changed will you know that your relationship can survive its resurrection.
Getting back with an ex after years apart
The wrong way includes beggingpleading, calling, stalking, and hoping your ex takes pity on you. When they get too much of it, they will push you away and block you on social media or whichever platform you pester your ex on. First of all, reconnecting with your ex dumper is never going to happen on your terms. I can guarantee you that. Work on your emotions, insecurities, shortcomings. Since your ex let you go, you must not only correct your mistakes but also increase your overall value.
You need to do this so that you can change once and for all and become the person your ex will regret dumping. Your ex could send you breadcrumbs and contact you for little to no reason at all. You will experience pain similar to the day of the breakup and will think about your ex like crazy again.
You always need to put yourself first no matter how much you want your ex back. There are no exceptions.
Not a single one. You instead appear confident about yourself and show signs of moving on. And your ex likes-hates it. He or she respects you and feels slightly afraid to let go of a person who let him or her go. It sort of has a psychological effect on your ex. You used to be incredibly close when the relationship was going strong. So imagine what your ex could think of you if you remain patient and show him or her the new, transformed you 2.
But your ex must first realize your worth and want to talk to you often enough to see you in a better light. Getting angry, sad, frustrated, disrespectful, and requesting attention is therefore not the way to go.
You must engrave into your brain that everything that has to do with reconciliation is not for you to decide. The only time when you take reconciliation into your own hands is when your ex wants you back. But until then, you must stay your best version of yourself at all times.Read on.
Franklin P. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. And we all have a blasted blind spot. Suffice it to say, one day you may become separated from your lover. If you are positive about wanting your ex back, because lets face it, not all relationships are built to last, measures must be taken to regain that lost love.Getting Back With An Ex After Years Apart Is Possible (Even If You Live In Different Cities!)
Following a break up, what you should really be doing is cutting off all forms of communication with your ex. There are numerous reasons behind this, but the most important may be that you are not in the right mindset to be talking to your ex girlfriend. However, rather than a stagnant period of thumb twiddling, this time will be a proactive recuperation in preparation for a future reunion.
Remember to rebuild the confidence. In the beginning of the relationship you wanted to be the best man for this woman, beating out the competition. Socialising is an essential tool in building the confidence you will need for the task at hand: Getting your ex girlfriend back. This period of no contact is to be filled with loads of life-giving activity to get you in your prime mentality to re-attract your ex girlfriend. You should have a game plan for your next move.
Mike is the author of a relationship advice blog for men who wish to rekindle a relationship with their ex.
Mike — who has written 1 posts on GeekandJock. I therefore hard an argument with her about the same girl and out of anger I said we should break up which she said I keep on saying that whenever there is little argument so she calls it a quit. I have sincerely apologized to her and have realized that I have to let her be and find a better way of accepting her friend whom she listens to the most and try to influence her best friend to like what I expect my girl to do which I know will eventually impact on her to be the kind of woman I want.
Knowing her to be pretty I have the fear that if I give a gap to her that will be the end. Please advise me…how to get her back asap. This is actually a very nice article to read. Thank you. Reconnecting with them in a more mature way is great. It takes a great deal of courage and patience to reconnect with your ex. Ask yourself if you are prepared Not to let anything from the past hurt your relationship again? Are you really ready to give it another chance? Nice post. Nice post!! Nice tips!!
This is just what I think. Oftentimes break ups are a result of not dealing with the issues. I would never advise someone to rekindle with an ex unless they had genuine intentions of addressing the problems and building a stronger relationship. Moving on and making friends with the person who let your heart go is the deed of a mature, and strong person. Thanks for the comment Stacey. In the case you wanted an ex back, becoming friends with them is actually advised against.
Make the most and better out of yourself.About a year ago, I got a text from an ex telling me he wanted my advice on something. Given that we'd broken up in and this was the first I'd heard from him in months after sending a text he didn't ignoredI was livid.
Normally, when someone pisses me off like that, my MO is to try to have as little to do with them as possible. But that day, for whatever reason, I was in the mood to confront him, and I'm so glad I did.
Over the course of the next few days, through several texts and an emotional phone call, I aired my frustrations — not just with him ignoring me then getting back in touch when he wanted something from me, but also with our whole two-year relationship.
I told him he'd behaved in ways that were emotionally and financially abusive at times. And he actually listened. While I still look back on our relationship as an unhealthy one and feel he's wronged me in many ways, the fact that he's equally aware of this has allowed us to maintain a friendship.
We still exchange occasional emails reflecting on our personal growth, which is great to be able to do with someone who knows you so well. At the end of our relationship, I kept confronting my ex about his pushy money-borrowing habits, bad listening skills, and the lack of direction in his life, and he kept saying he'd change.
When I broke up with him, he was angry with me for not giving him another opportunity to change. He gave the impression that if I'd just allowed him one more chance, we'd be able to work it out. This made me doubt whether breaking up was the right decision. But when we reconnected, I learned he'd struggled with the same things with his subsequent partner.
It was a relief to know I was right not to wait. Of course, it's possible for people to get their lives together. But waiting on them to do that is a gamble. Staying with them gives them tacit permission not to change, and if they don't, you could regret the time wasted. I'm glad I didn't waste time giving him yet another chance and being disappointed yet again.
Too often, we think of relationships in a really black and white way: If it lasts until the day we die, it's succeeded, and if not, it's failed.
We don't think of other things this way. If we end up quitting a job eventually, we don't conclude that it was a mistake to accept it.By Chris Seiter. Generally speaking when you start looking about how to reconnect with an ex there are a lot of ways you can communicate with them. Quite simply, they literally think they need to start communicating with their ex through social media.
One thing that research continually shows that when you go through a breakup you are going to be paying attention to your exes social media profiles. I grew up in the generation where you still had to talk to people on the phone if you wanted to go out on a date. Now, the biggest mistake I see my clients making time and time again is going too fast too soon.
You see, if you are dating someone then you are technically at the top of the ladder. Now, I know you may be skeptical about this approach but I can tell you that from working with hundreds of clients this approach really does work best when you are looking to reconnect with an ex. A few weeks ago I posted a video on my YouTube Channel. In it I talk about a pretty radical new concept where I recommend you use the following progression throughout your communication with your ex.
If you want to ascend up the latter and properly reconnect with your ex you are going to have to build rapport and excitement and give them a reason to want to talk to you on some of the most personal vehicles.
I had a blast writing this article and think I covered some relatively advanced topics that may be a tad confusing at first. One look at my articles and you can see I respond to every comment personally and try my best to provide an in-depth answer to what you are asking.
Your email address will not be published. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed. We were together for 9 years. Things went wrong and there is lot of misunderstanding, wrong time … We are in a long distances relationship.
Everything was by phone in a moment of anger. I did allhe refused to talk. I have no way to contact him he is on another far country. I tried the NC so many times…. And he loves me. I ended up not texting him last night because of it. Do you think waiting a few more days will do any harm?
But next time, just go about your business. Be happy and smile and if the subject comes up, just smile and say its best you not get into all that.
Any words of encouragement or last minute advice? Hey Sam…just follow the advice I offer in my eBooks and articles as to next steps…specifically the construction of your initial contact message. Add to this the baggage of his parents terrible divorce that involved cheating and my ex is running away scared!
We were together for a year and he freaks out whenever it starts to get more serious. He told me he loves me and I have no doubt about that.February 3, References. He graduated from the American School of Professional Psychology in There are 18 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. This article has been viewedtimes. You and your ex may have parted on bad terms and have not spoken for a while.
While you are not interested in getting back together with them romantically, you may be interested in reconnecting as friends. While being friends with your ex can often be complicated, being clear about your intentions from the start can help establish good emotional boundaries. Get in touch with your ex and make sure they are willing to try to strike up a friendship.
Arrange for a meeting if possible. Then, if all goes well, figure out how you would like to stay in touch with each other. While it may take work and may sometimes feel awkward, especially at the beginning, rebuilding a friendship with your ex is possible if both of you are ready to work on it. Please help us continue to provide you with our trusted how-to guides and videos for free by whitelisting wikiHow on your ad blocker.
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How Best To Reconnect With Your Ex Girlfriend
Explore this Article parts. Related Articles. Part 1 of Make sure you are clear about your own motives. Think about your reasons for wanting to talk to your ex, and be sure that it is only because you want to pursue a friendship.
Be confident that your ex is the kind of person you want to be friends with, too.
Do you want to be able to hang out together, just the two of you, or do you want to be able to be friendly with your ex in a group of mutual friends? Or do you just want to feel comfortable saying hello to them and liking their pictures on social media? Think about how your ex treated their other friends and make sure they are a good friend to others. For example, if you always thought your ex used friends for their own gains, it's probably not worth it to develop a friendship.
More importantly, think about how your ex treated you.Before reconnecting with an ex, you have to be totally conscious of your intentions. I was shocked to spy my old boyfriend's face pop up on Facebook in a group photo from a college friend's recent party. After he'd dumped me, I hadn't seen him in years. Ready to end the animosity between us, I private messaged him. Then I realized I was fine with no contact. Because I now had a great job, a sweeter guy, and was better off without him.
Reconnecting with an ex can be fraught. After re-meeting my five worst breakups of all time to find out what had gone wrong and publishing a novel about a former boyfriend who snubbed me in public pretending he didn't know who I wasI've devised a code of rules on amorous reconnections.
Whether it's to say hello, express remorse, or resurrect your relationship, consider re-calling your lost love if:. If you treated somebody horribly and later wish you hadn't, it's never too late to say you're sorry.
But a brief note via social media is much smarter than showing up at someone's home or work unannounced in the Nirvana T-shirt you stole from him. Keep it short and sweet, the way AA amends usually go. Say what you did wrong and what you feel bad about.
I never meant to hurt you and I hope you'll accept my belated apology. If you're about to wed, divorce, give birth, your parents are splitting, someone close died, or you're coming out or transitioning like Caitlyn Jenner, you may want to share a major milestone with your former confidante.
Perhaps first visit a counselor, clergy, or therapist to explore your expectations. Making someone jealous is not a good motivation. Then, if you're compelled to give your ex an update, so they don't find out on Facebook, do it low key.
Try a short, innocuous letter, email, text, IM, or leave the phone message, "When you have time, I'd love to talk," and consider having coffee.
When I told one former beau that I was getting engaged, he emailed, "Congrats. Can I be your second husband? But make sure not to spill your gut-wrenched confessional poetry in a long, heavy, emotional drunk text, or reach out at midnight on Valentine's Day.
When I asked my high school boyfriend out for a drink to talk about what happened in our past, he emailed, "I'd rather take out my own appendix with a bottle of Jack and a dull spoon.
Reconnecting With An Ex Can Take Years!
But it did hurt my feelings. You may learn that your ex is now living blissfully with a woman who's smarter and cooler than you are, is still angry, or wants nothing to do with you. So if you email him, expect nothing in return. Plan dinner and a double feature with your best friend and turn off your iPhone so you don't check your messages incessantly.